the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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