I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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