allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you had me at cake vodka
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
