Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I need to sanitize my soul.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize