There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
