Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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