critical mistake not lubing the nipples
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
