Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I want her autograph on my taint
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
