Only a mothe r could love this liver
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize