hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
