I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
