Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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