I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
