Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
