hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
