True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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