I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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