i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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