The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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