a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
