frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
