my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
