What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
