they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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