ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
