Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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