She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
