guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
