Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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