The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
