Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
