the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
