He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
