I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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