Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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