I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
