i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
