I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
