Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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