I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
