I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
