I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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