i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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