If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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