I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
