based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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