New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
