Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
