I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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