I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
