I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
