im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
