I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
