P.S. I can't hear my feet
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
