Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
