He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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