I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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