I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
