i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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