I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
