New invention idea: vibrating tampons
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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