so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
