I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
